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entry Aug 10 2006, 11:25 AM
Ok, aside from all the bull crap this weekend with the "uber" christian views *cough*..I had a great time and learned something valuable. Now this is great word of advice, Do what you love, but more importantly WHY.

After the wedding, my family retreated to a nice little party room back at the bride and grooms apartment (small wedding..60 people so we really didn't need to rent anything extravagant). Now, whilst everyone mingled together, introductions were exchanged and people greeted each other, there was a small table in back..yep...waayy in the corner. That's where I sat. Those who joined me were my brother, my second cousin Ellen and her husband Eric and my husband. Now, what made this occasion so wonderful is that we all "clicked". My brother is an artist for wizards of the coast, Ellen wrote a couple books for TSR and her husband is an editor and worked with Keith Parkinson (who sadly past away recently..*sighs*)and me? Well, I've gotten published and had done some work for Kalan (and have been contemplating doing stuff for wizards) but still feel an empty spot inside me.

Now, many people are under the impression that if you are a published author/artist/so on so forth..people LOVE you and automatically RESPECT you. I'm here to debunk that entire theory with a massive BULLSHIT! No one even noticed us walking through the door, or even acknowledged the fact that any of us had done these works. The only people who gave us any respect were each other. Now, it hit me as I sat at that table listening to my brother's very colorful stories, that if you think people will love you for something you've done or are, you're sorely mistaken. You have to love yourself, thus why you have to do it because you love it, not because you want people to love you. Chances are, people will more likely than not, think you are weird and try to avoid you. Nothing personal, but if you've done something they can't, you intimidate them..or, they just think you are one of "those" people and try not to talk to you. By doing something of this magnitude you have essentially crossed a boundary they are comfortable with and have excommunicated yourself from their area of comfort.

Yes, I know what you're thinking..."but I want people to like me..I want them to finally love me for me!" Well, sorry but...keep waiting. Truth is, if you have to change who you are, or if you think becoming something grand and spectacular will finally get their appreciation you have to ask yourself if you'd really be happy in the end anyhow. Why would you chance changing yourself into something you hate just so someone will like you? Are they even deserving of your friendship anyhow? Seriously..a friend of mine said it the best..."it is better to be hated for something you are..than loved for something you are not!"

I may draw half naked women and not the cutesy crafty teddy bears my mother wants, but I'm happy. I may paint demonesque looking entities and not the wildlife my step-father wants, but I'm happy. I may practice the occult out of my 2nd story apartment and not attend church like my whole family wants, but I'm happy. (Seriously, think about what you would have to become in order for people to like you and you'll automatically loathe wouldn't love who you've become.) Sure, my family will think I'm weird and have a very biast opinion of me and think I paint nothing but bleeding eyeballs on the wall (tell you the truth I did that highschool!..and they think that's ALL I do.) but, so what!? I'm not going to waste my time explaining myself to them, specially when all they care about is changing who I am so they can feel comfortable with me. It's good to be who you are and do what you love, revel in the weirdness that is if you'll excuse me I'm going to go paint a naked fat man in front my toilet...hehehehe..

entry Aug 9 2006, 10:03 AM
Well, this weekend was an eventful weekend to say the least. My mother finally tied the knot with her pastor friend. He's a nice guy and I'm happy to call him family,'s the whole churchy thing that's getting me down. Nothing against the churchgoers, people who frequent churches have all my respect, but it's the "so when are you going to join our congregation?" question that bothers me. "Sorry, according to your religion if I were to join, I'd burn in hell for all eternity. So I'm gonna have to pass!"

The guys kids are nice, but..holy shit are they overachievers. Nothing wrong with that mind you..I over achieved in my day too, I mean seriously SOMEONE had to sit on the couch ALL day long! It took many tedious butt squatting hours to put that nice warm dent into the cushion and puh..c'mon level 64 on gauntlet!? (yes, my childhood was filled with catch phrases like "all your base are belong to us" or "FINISH HIM!!!"). But, when striking a conversation that revolves around..well.. anything, it is quite annoying to hear.."Yeah? Well my family did this and this this and THIS!" "So bloody freakin what, like I care if your ancestors were the on the second boat to the just means they were the second to shit in our woods and to oppress the indians..congradubloodyfreakinlations!"
OY! And to hear my step father going on about all of their achievments.."yes, my son is one of the youngest to be considered for eagle scout and my oldest is going to gustavus..the SAME college I went to..I've been to Isreal 6 times!!"

And, to hear, "so when are you going to baptize your children? You'll baptize the baby of course...rrriiigghht?" After a while I just feel spinless and weak because I just sit there and smile and skirt the issue. Why, because my mother is sitting riiigghht there giving me looks over his shoulder that says "don't say anything..just nod and agree" Fucking people! *sighs* I'm sick and tired of the secrets. My mother started seeing the guy when he was married...secretly. Of course she told me and I was obliged for some reason to do tarot reading after reading for her and her dramatic relationship. (of course HE couldn't know I did readings since it was evil in the bible!) And I can't tell him that she has bills..oh no..he has no idea what debt is like. He now knows that I know he was married (yeah, I talked to him on the phone and gave him some counseling on how to get out of his marraige..) So now, I'm completely confused when someone asks me if my mother and he are living together.."well,.." (mentally sort through the catalogue of lies) "technichally no, but she sees him an awful lot so..." (mentally pat myself on the back for thinking on my feet whilst beating myself for lying..AGAIN!) Then they tell me about his kids, like his eldest son is gay and has anal warts..BLOODY..Like I needed to know that!! That image will haunt me for the rest of my life!!

Then...then they treat me like shit and expect me to do everything..pick up the slack from our end and make us look good. Baptize your children and join our church, it's good for the image! WHAT!!!!! Ok, I have my own secrets, but honestly if they were to ask I might tell them. My mother knows, but her hubby sure doesn't. *sighs* Yes, this practice is my biggest secret. Why?! Because let's put it this ancestors..(yeah with the ancestors bullshit again) were from Germany. They had two really big castles, but, the king didn't like them..apparently..soooo they followed martin Luther in the reformation into switzerland and were granted land by the kaiser. This means they got to set up camp right next to the black forest and nab the annabaptists as they ran past and keep them in their basement of doom and torture them. Yep, something to be proud of. Apparently yes, my stepfather and mother think its great, specially since ALL my family is Luthern now (truth is, this happened on my fathers side, so she's not even directly related to it..and I'm an occultist and couldn't give a rats ass). My grandmother just thinks it's peachy that he's luthern AND elca (whatever that is..), and everyone is happy joy joy. *sighs* cept me, I'm the person in the closet trying to sort through all the lies and keep smiling and trying to keep myself together in the process. "join our church ...join our church.." Is that the monotonous banter of a cult?!

..Oh and I like being in charge of my own destiny, I don't goofy fluffy churchy things that say be happy and good whilst hanging a crucified bloody man on their wall! Sorry, but that does kinda creep me out.."join our's free but it does require a 5% donation to god of your yearly salary...but it comes with a complimentary crucifix and bumper sticker that says "kill all unbeleivers!" Then they tell ME I'm in a cult! ME! So, like I'm a part of something that makes you sit and chant religious tones whilst paying out the ass with your own hard earned cash? riiiigght..."hey you with the collection plate, what hymns are we gonna sing!?"

Sorry, but when you start singing praises to the "lord" while closing your eyes and rocking back and forth...that creeps me out. I don't care if you're in the groove or not, stop trying to convert me with fluffy ass bible crap you damn reformed hippie!!!!!

*sighs* Yes, venting..nothing against the church..or the church's just..keep your damn religion to yourself.

....sorry, I'd spell check this but apparently spell check doesn't work on the blogs.

entry Jul 13 2006, 01:03 PM
Well, I've almsot finished moving. Yeah, remember my landlord I was talking about..the one who's kid took his sled down my car? She wasn't happy at ALL with us moving out. She was pleasant and sweet a week earlier and then we gave her our 30 day notice. Oh boy. Of course it didn't make matters any better when we asked her to pay for the repairing of our windshield. "You can't prove it!" she exclaimed. "It could have been ANYONES child!"

Bah..phooey on her.

Then, as my husband and I were packing she stormed over and knocked on the door. "You know, I just feel like you're pulling a fast one on us! So, if you read in your lease, you'll find that you're liable for the last months rent of your lease."


"That's $500 a month until October. And THEN we'll do a walk through and see if there's been damages. What ever has been done will be deducted from your deposit!...It's in the lease! The only way you don't have to pay is if someone rents it first."

All right.

Truth is, she isn't our landlord. She's our manager. Our real land lord, I've never met. Truth is, we were never given his full name or number until we gave our 30 day notice. After we got his number we were told specifically NOT to contact him.

Now, this house is a hell hole. A piece of shit to be exact. The basement leaks and it's cieling is rotted out. The stairs are 5" too short. There's open wiring along the floor. There's also no vent or window in the bathroom so it's completely moldy and rotting. There was also a huge gaping hole in the basement open to the ground and had a plentiful bounty of bugs crawling out of it. And not just ladybugs and ants. Centipedes and carpetner ants...*shudders* I don't do bugs.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering. Why would you move to a place like that? Well, at the time my husband could financially afford it and we needed a place to stay that would take my cat. That and pure..honest to god..stupidity.

At this point, I'm fuming. Trying desperately not to say anything rude to that 4' pudgy b!tch standing in my doorway and snooping her nose in my house. Instead, I let her say her peice and walk out. I knew that the house wouldn't be rented out, since it was THAT big of a hell hole. I also knew we couldn't get out of the lease since the landlord had a dozen houses and only two rented out. Ours and one down the road. So..needless to say he was desperate for money.

My husband had gotten a great job in the cities and was making a plentiful amount of money, but our rent was almost three times what it was before and I knew with a $500 depleation to our money we couldn't afford it.

So, what could I do. First, like most people I called around. The cops, the house protection agency and even the home inspector. All these people told me to take pictures of the house and send it in. I could even get out of my lease. But that didn't change the fact that my neighbor was a power hungery tyrant trying to make our last month miserable. So I did what most practitioners did. I worked some magick.

I'm sure some of you will see this as a curse, but I see it as justice.

I created a poppit in..well..a remarkable likeness of her. (Think short, pudgey, mouselike ears sticking out from her thin school girl cropped hair with an addage of huge saggy breasts.)

Now, usually when a problem arises and a spell is needed it comes to me right away. This is nice, since I hate pouring through books hours on end trying to find a spell that JUST right.

Now, the spell entailed cutting off her arms, legs, and head from the poppit. The arms so she had no hold on us, the feet so she stood no ground and her head..well she couldn't think. Then These were rolled into one ball of clay and thrown away from her home. But the core, her heart, which was bent on causing strife and cruelty was thrown in her yard. This signified having to make her deal with her own shit vs. being a control freak.

Now, before every spell or ritual, I do a divination about the outcome. It strictly told me not to do it. That my husband had to do it. Somewhat of an initiation for him. I told my husband about it, and he was actually very glad to do so. That night he went outside and cast the spell. But afterwards, he was a little upset, seeing as he didn't "feel" it worked.

"I just emotions in it. I did in the begining, but then..nothing."

I reassured him that this was normal. That, need overtook desire and although he didn't feel it worked, the emotions were already out in the ether and to have faith. Also, not to think about it.

The only thing I did was wish deeply for her to eat her words. She's the type that hides behind technicalities and laws while spitting in your face.

Now, a week went by and nothing. We spent that whole week in our new apartment..(which is really nice by the way). But the next weekend, my husband went back to finish packing and lo and behold who knocks on our door? You guessed it. Our manager. My husband had to relay everything to me since I wasn't there, but apparently she was noticably tired with dark circles under her eyes.

"Umm..I talked to my husband who talked to the landlord. He said don't worry about the last months rent. It's all fine.."

Then, she turned on her heel and walked home.

Of course a week prior to this when we moved to our new apartment. We had all been riding in seperate cars. My husband had been afflicted with a terrible foot rash. My daughter began to vomit in the car and I had terrible stomach pains which led don't wanna know..just believe me, it wasn't pleasant.

Although the spell worked, it took a price out of us. When I asked my husband if he made sure the spell didn't reverse upon us..he looked confused and said "no..was I supposed to?" I smiled wearily and nodded. It was my fault, I should have specified. But last minute change and I forgot to write it on the paper. Oy!

entry Jul 1 2006, 09:01 PM
I had the weirdest dream last night. I was standing on a large cliff over looking a vast valley. A storm had come in very quickly. Each thunderhead had a bright light attached to the front and back of it where they omitted blasts of lightening. These lightening strikes were so forceful and so damaging it seemed as if they were directed by an unseen force. Almost as if Zeus himself were throwing them down at people. I do remember being afraid of being struck, but never was.
After the storm passed the sky turned blue. Then, the clouds returned. Almost like smoke pouring out of a fogger machine and billowing the same way. It began to bubble and pucker, it somewhat resembled boiling water actually. These bubbling forms actually morphed into faces. They acted the same way as the boiling water, each bubble acting like a face emerging from and covering another. They began to say my name in unison. Each time they said my name a burst of thunder would strike out and resonate around me. At this point I knew part of my conscious was aware I was dreaming. I could feel my husband throw his arm around me and hear him breathing, but I was so deep in the dream I couldn't wake or shake myself from it. I remember trying to contact him by altering my breathing, letting out short gasps of air, but I wasn't successful. At this point, the faces were recognizable as god/esses and spirits. They seemed to be pleading with me.
I'd say "I'm here, I hear you! What do you need?" But they wouldn't answer. Finally a face came forth. This one was unlike the others. It didn't bubble or boil, it didn't move at all. I remember calling him my father (though he obviously wasn't). He gave me the impression of being "The" Father of everything, the creator. He began telling me a quote of Samuel Adams. I listened closely, willing the conscious part of my brain to hear it to so I could remember it upon waking. But "Father" began speaking in a dialect I couldn't understand. It almost seemed as if it were colors and waves he were speaking, not regular words. I'm assuming this to be the Divine language. He spoke directly to my subconscious, knowing that my conscious wouldn't be able to hear it. I know it's relating to something I have to do. No, not in a megalomania/Narcissistic sort of way. Just, something they need me to do for them.
When I awoke, I looked outside and saw that it had rained violently last night. Any connection? Possibly.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I'm a little confused as to what this meant.

entry Jun 20 2006, 09:49 PM
Within the last few years I've dreamt of white animals in my dreams. I remember a few years ago I had a dream about being a part of a tribe of Native Americans. There was a man dressed in early 19th century style clothing who came to "free" the people. Knowing that this term ment enslavement and oppression the indians began to fight back.
At one point in the dream this man in black was wheeled out ceremoniously in a large cabinet or chamber. In the chamber was a head dress that would bestow upon him supreme power over people. At which point I fought my way to this inside of this chamber and grabbed the "head dress" (which actually was a white bulls head with a lightening bolt on the forehead.) and put it on. As soon as I had done this, a loud sounding of thunder resonated and woke me out of sleep.
After that it has been about riding white buffalo, becoming a white buffalo, also being called so by other "people" in my dreams. Also at one point I met with a white lion. The lion introduced himself as a helping spirit to me, saying that I need specific help in order to live through the traumatic period in my life. He came as a man in a white suit and resembled a mixture of Einstien and Mark Twain with a big white bushy mustache and white fly away hair. When I asked his name he pulled out a scroll and said he went by thousands of names. Some I couldn't even pronounce but, told me that I should just call him Dr. Hammilton.
Afterwards he came to me as a man or as a lion on some occasions. Often coaxing me out of a rut and helping me.
Then it was a white tiger that somehow came into my possession. This tiger was large and beautiful, I immediately had an affinity for the animal and seemed to be a guide of sorts for me. My husband came to me in the dream and said that we couldn't keep the animal, that our city wouldn't "allow" it. (I live in a very VERY small town with many tightwaded people who've recently protested Wal-mart. Yes, they're close to fundementalism and have extreme odd views..but they call it "christianity", which is far from it. Needless to say, if they found out about my practices I wouldn't put it past them to burn me at the stake...seriously) So I sadly allowed the animal to be freed, knowing that the people in my town would dismember the animal if they found out about it.
When I consulted my husband about it the next night before going to bed, he made mention of talking to Morpheus..a diety pertaining to dreams. I thought about it a while and decided I might later on but for now to go to sleep. That night I had an odd dream. (this being a day ago.)
I was standing in the middle of a town..I'm assuming my town..and the townspeople had been searching out the 'evil'. Anyone who was possessed or a practitioner of magick would be found out by thier feeling the 'burning' of the cross. I remember putting the cross to my lips and feeling it becoming unnaturally warm but scoffed at it, knowing that anyone who touched the cross would feel the burning.
While standing in the towns square, or central crossroad, there emmerged out of my peripheral view a man dressed in a monks brown robe crucified on a large wooden cross. He was an albino man with thick curly white hair. As the sun began to rise before him, I knew he would be burned alive due to the 'demons' that inhabited his body. I had the impression that there were 3 major demons that inhabited his body. One large one that coiled around his center, one in his left leg and the other in his right arm. As the sunlight dawned on him, he remained untouched. I walked over to him and helped him off of the cross, stating that maybe it was the demons that protected him from the light. (I did see this light as the light of god..but in a bastardized sort of "light"..such as jealous and spiteful)
(My impression was that these demons weren't malevolent or malichious but attatched themselves to this man for protection of a spiritual kind..and in return protected his body.)
When subjected to interior light, like that of a light bulb his skin began to boil and blister. He left the room and entered the library where he began reading scrolls and books by candle light.

I'm deeply confused by this..

It seems I did get somewhat of an answer to my questions about white beings, but I have absolutely no idea what it means. Any thoughts???

entry Jun 6 2006, 08:45 PM
Well, I'm about 21 weeks along in my pregnancy. Which is the equivalent of being 5 months and one week. I actually enjoy being pregnant a little bit more than the last time. I love my daughter dearly, but man...did I hate being pregnant with her. (Believe me, if you were a woman and knew what it was like having a 6 pound Bruce Lee doing martial arts in your'd know what I mean). A lot of my frustration the last pregnancy also revolved around the stress I was subjected to. It wasn't easy. My husband was in the process of getting his green card (yeah like, he's Canadian ya hoser..always telling me that Canadian bacon in Canada is really called Ham, and how much our beer sucks like piss water), my mother was in a rocky relationship and would use me as a sounding board (often taking out a lot of her stresses on me). And, needless to say a "friend" that wasn't really "a friend" that hung around and still hangs around my house once in a while like some sort of lost little vermin.
Blech, but anyways. My husband and I are sure this time it's a boy. It's interesting, both times I knew when I had gotten pregnant and with my first child I "knew" it was a girl. Even when the guy who had done my ultra sound told me it was probably a boy, I still knew it was a girl. So, we're pretty excited to have a boy. Even if it is a girl, we're still happy.
I've actually been taking time this pregnancy to connect with my unborn child. I'm a little sad I wasn't able to do that with my daughter, but situations that unfolded and all the stress I had, I'm glad I was sane at all. This time I'm allowed a little bit more of a spiritual bonding with my child. It's great being able to teach my daughter about her new sibling that will be coming in October. She's still trying to understand completely (she's only three afterall) but she jabbers on about it all the time. Every now and then will tell someone to put one of her toys back, claiming "That's my sister's! Don't touch that!" Hehe..hope she's not too sad if it's a brother. I never had a sister so I wouldn't know what that was like.
My family was a little weird. My father had married my mother after a divorce with some woman in Oklahoma. He had two sons with her, who were teenagers by the time I was born. (yeah, my oldest brother is in his late 40's..odd huh?) Don't worry, my dad was born in 1937 so he was old enough to have kids at that time. Then he had my brother and then me. (Don't worry my father was too sick by the time I turned 6 to actually spoil me into a princess..I turned out to be more of the independent care taker like my mother). Then, my father died in 99'. Afterwards my mother met someone new and they are now marrying in August. I'm happy for her, after 11 years of taking care of my father and all the bitterness between them, she deserves some happiness. Her fiance has 2 sons and a daughter. So, I'll have 5 brothers and a sister.
My husband on the other hand...the ONLY child. So I feel sorry for him, he'll have NO idea what to expect with two children. Hehehhe..

entry Jun 5 2006, 06:53 PM
I had quite an interesting dream the other night. Recently, I've been dreaming of Gabriel. Whenever I had been in a "sticky" situation, he had come to..well..rescue me. Such as one dream I had been visiting a mountain top cavern. Atop this mountain was a man who had a museum of sorts. In my curiosity, I decided to visit this mountain cavern. To my dismay, this cavern was a horrendous collection of dismembered body parts. A mixture of organic mutations and mechanical bastardations set in jars of fermenting fluid. The man himself was half mutant monster and machine.
At this moment, I turned on my heel and walked briskly out of the cavern. I tried not to alarm him of my leaving, but he knew that I was aware of what he was. He began to chase me down the mountain. I was fearing for my life at this moment, knowing what horrid atrocities that would befall upon me if he were to catch me. I made it to a pub of sorts and hid down into the cellar. I squeezed myself into a small crevice between two barrels of ale. I could hear his foot steps coming ever so slowly down the stairs, knowing he knew I was there. And knowing that he was blocking the only exit to the cellar. Oddly enough though, the dream began to loop. At the moment of that this mongrel of a monster would bend down to grab my shoulder I would be back at the top of the mountain running away from him, only to be back in the same predicament.
This was a terrible nightmare and actually I hated to go to bed after that but, the next night I managed. I had the same dream again. Only this time, I was descending a flight of stairs, and the maniac was behind me with an ax. I ran into a doorway that had been on the stairwell. At the end of this room I entered was an office. Mundane people, busily going about their business of sending faxes and running amuck. I stood there and looked at everyone and screamed. "Help me..I need help!!" At one point I grabbed one of these people and shook him violently by the collar. No one noticed me. And then, a man walked up to me with bright red hair. I had recognized him from previous dreams I had. I knew that this was Gabriel. He handed me a small slip of paper and told me to read it. I placed the slip down on the desk and read the paper. Knowing what it said I noticed the words were jumbled. I couldn't make sense of them, even though I could read the sentence. Then, it hit me, I was dreaming. At that point I turned around and transformed myself into an angel of incredible power. I pushed open the doors with an intense energy and vanquished the monster. I had complete control of my dream at that moment. It felt so enlightening.
This last time I saw Gabriel in my dream I had been to the akashic records the night before. I had been in this incredible room. There had been a fountain of pure white energy and gardens of white flowers. It was an impresive city, contained in what seemed a small room. I loved it there. It was the most beautiful place I had been to. I didn't want to leave. I spoke outloud and said "Please, don't make me go home." A woman's voice answered me and said, "If you want to stay, you'll have to die a very painful death since it isn't your time." Tell you the truth, it was tempting. I didn't even think of my daughter or my husband. I only thought of this incredible feeling of oneness. I was sent back to earth at this point. I had the ability to detect spirits. I remember not being able to enter a room unless I asked of the spirits there were benevolent or of ill intent.
The next night I had gone to meet Gabriel. I remember walking into the door of this old wooden house. I instinctively knew that this was God's "Tree House." (I'm assuming that this ment the tree of life.) Well, when I entered there were boxes of stuff everywhere. I had been walking around this small house taking in my surroundings when I walked into a kitchen and saw a skinny old man in a white bathrobe and slippers. I knew that this was God. "Not what you expected huh?" He said to me. "Feel free to look at all this crap, it's what you brought back with you from the records." So, I began to rummage through boxes. One thing caught my eye. A small silver ring with a round white stone in it. It was the "White Buffalo" ring. I knew this right away, since in previous dreams I had dreamt of being a white buffalo.
At this point I looked up and saw a door that I hadn't noticed before. I placed my hand on the door knob and at that moment God walked by with a steaming cup of tea and said.."Don't open that or you'll be sucked out into nothingness." I was tempted, thinking, what if he were lying and there's gold on the otherside. Then, I reasoned. Even if he were lying it's not worth finding out, my life is worth much more than gold.
I heard someone calling my name from behind me. Gabriel was in a small room, this time wearing a small white sash around his waist that drapped like a toga. A bright white light emerged from his back and gave the illusion of proverbial wings. He told me to have a seat in the students desk before him. I noticed at this time I was wearing a white robe myself, my sign of a novice I'm guessing. He told me that he was going to teach me the divine language.
He said he was going to speak a simple word and I were to repeat it. I remember his lips moving and I don't remember the exact word used, but it ment speak in english. He told me to repeat this word in the divine language. I did so and then I suddenly went deaf. I couldn't hear a thing he had said after that. At that moment God came in and remarkably I was able to hear him. He told me that since I was mortal it would be harder to learn the language and that it would take time. Apparently the reason humans aren't taught is because the moment they begin to learn it, they die and after a while are reborn and forget it and have to relearn. Why he wants to teach me this, I'm unsure. But, I do remember him speaking to me after that. We were sitting down on the overhang of God's front door, and were talking. We could see stars and galaxies swirling beneath us. I remember just speaking to him about my daily things, feeling wonderful to have someone to talk to.
I haven't been back since, apparently it takes a lot to go up to God's tree house. He does like to be alone and it was quite an honour to be invited there. laugh.gif (Tell you the truth, I think God is quite the cranky old fart.)
I've had many dreams of Gabriel, but he usually comes to me. The last few times I've actually journeyed to him. In this he seemed fuller and bigger. When saving me from my dreams he seemed so thin. But in his world he was larger and more muscular. He's also got quite a sense of humour. One day I had one of my daughters songs stuck in my head "I like to Ight Ight Ight Ipple and Baninis.." (Man, that drove me crazy). That night, Gabriel came to me and told me he had something funny to tell me. He said that Ipples were what the angels nicknamed newborn souls. I actually found this quite funny to say the least. Then, he was gone quickly after that. There were two other angels in the background (I'm assuming to be Michael and Raphael..but I could be wrong) and were on a journey to somewhere. I do remember Raphael having been dressed in a beautiful red silk shirt that resembled an oriental styled tunic with a high collar and a black sash.

entry Jun 4 2006, 10:30 PM
I've been coming to the conclusion that the INclusion of magick into my life is so very necessary. I've been practicing for the last..erm..12..13 years. (Holy crap..time sure flies I guess.) The moment my next door neighbor handed me my first tarot deck and book I knew that this practice was one that would stay with me for the rest of my life. She smiled at me and told me I'd make a great witch one day. I actually never call myself that..mainly because I'm just not used to the sound of it. I just call myself a practitioner.
Earlier today I had been thinking about my practices. I've been sitting down and staring at my over flowing book shelf and wondering.."How the hell did I end up with so many $^#$% books!?" Which brought me to a lot of things revolving around my past. My ex's mother had been one of these weird people who thought that her children were the greatest gifts to the earth (I laugh because her son couldn't even pronounce cinnamon correctly..and god I dated that?! Lord allmighty what the hell was I thinking?) ..ahem..anyways. She had tried to convince me that SHE was a "real" witch. That I didn't have the "mental capacity" (I'm embelishing her words mainly because she used something a little more cruel to define me) to do magick.
At this I raised my eyebrows..yes ..those awesome expresive eyebrows of mine. (I swear if I woke up one morning with them shaved off I'd be without half my personality). She continued to degrade me in such a manner that she brought me to tears. Convincing me that I should throw all of my books into the fire that very instant! (Don't worry, I didn't) But, I almost did...I seriously thought about it.
And that's what perplexed me this afternoon. I doubt that she was actually able to levitate off of the bed as she said..I know most of what she said was utter bullshit and her main purpose was to beat me down to be subordinate to her. But I don't doubt that she had magick. See, I LOVE my books. Part with them via raging inferno?? Hell, sometimes I hate going on long trips and deciding between which ones to take, worried that if my house were to burn down I'd lose my precious books. Course I feel guilty as hell because I realize my cat would go up in flames and I never thought about him.
Like I said, I believe that she did have magick..and it wasn't a good kind. It was moreso derived from brow beating people and intimidating them into a corner until they became submissive. When in her presence I didn't DARE stand up to the woman. She made people fear her that much. Sadly her children became the exact likness of her. Dumb as a box of rocks..(actually I find that insulting towards rocks..)..but manipulative. One thing is..NEVER underestimate your adversary.
Sometimes, when people come out and gloat about their power..they really are trying to impress you. Sort of, planting the seed for a magickal farce on your end without doing the dirty work on theirs. Other times, when mixed with intimidation and anger..(you know the whole angry energies) THAT IS their magick. Beyond that, no, not much there.
I was thinking this afternoon..what if I had burned my books? Well..I'd probably buy new ones. But, how would that have changed me?
I laugh now, because I look back at what I surrounded myself with. To this day I mentally (if not physically) cringe at the people I hung out with. The situations that unfolded. It's funny to note most of these people believed they were some mythological group of demon fighters out to save the world. They with their $20 swords and black trench coats going out into the night and swinging at nothing telling me they're killing demons. OKAY...If you say so.. I think now about it and laugh. I never believed it though and I had tried to steer them into a proper direction. Course after all the crap of them saying "No, you don't know what REAL magick is, those books of yours lie..THIS IS REAL!!!" I gave up and said [email protected] it. What the hell am I doing surrounding myself with dipshits for anyways? I look back now, most of those people are in their mid twenties and still act like children..disgustingly they have children of thier own.
Man, I've been outgrowing people left and right though. Most of the people I've been looking up to, haven't grown. I have a few friends as of late that just...well...are still that same ol' rut after 6 years. It's hard growing past them. Parts of me think, maybe I should just hold myself back..but why? To be miserable? So I don't have to feel that ol' pain of saying goodbye? Bah! It's hard because I've known some of these people for years. Now, I'm moving onwards with my life and they still expect me to sit at the same old place with them and listen to their 6 year old problems. *sighs*
Well, it's the pain of growing up I spose biggrin.gif .

entry May 27 2006, 11:49 AM
Yup, I've seen too many people sit around in their average daily depressing lives and wonder, "what the hell is wrong with me? Why does god hate me??" What should I say to people like that? "No, god doesn't hate you. This is a lesson." Or "No, god loves you and things will turn out better in the end." about "Shut the [email protected]%$ UP and quite your whinning. God didn't do this to you! If you don't like your current situation, get off your @$$ and do something about it and stop wasting my time with your petty complaints!" I'd actually prefer the latter. I used to coddle people with the former comments. "Oh, it's ok, things will turn out." But I've realized, people don't want to do anything for themselves when you do that. They attatch themselves to you and feed off of everything you are. They begin to need you and forget how to live for themselves. When you've done this, you've crippled them and began to live a life for someone else.

It always ticked me off when they'd blame some divine force for their misfortune. They'd never thank god when something good happened, but they sure blamed him when something bad happened. Talk about passing the buck. "It's not's my mother/father/brother/sister/boss." If it's not that it's "It's not MY's society's fault, they don't want people to succeed/fall in love/be happy." Then it becomes "Why does God hate me!?" Truth is, if god or some divine force hated you, you sure as hell wouldn't be as well off as you are. You'd know why they hated you and you wouldn't have time to sit and feel sorry for yourself.

Now, my solution to a great many things in life is magick. First let's ask some questions as to why I perform magick. Do I do it because it is cool? Do I do it because I want people to like me? Do I do it because I want to be rich? Do I do it because I want power? Do I do it because I think I'll have all my problems solved?

My answer...yes.

Yes, magick is great. It certainly has a lot more alluring aspects than a lot of other practices, but that's not why I practice it. I do it because it helps to solve a lot of my problems in life. I do it because it works for me. Magick isn't a trend, it isn't a fashion, it's a way of life. It's a door that helps to open your life to new opportunities. It's something that defines not what I am..but who. Thus, why it's "cool". Knowing that with hard work and determination, you can help yourself succeed and become a better person.

Now, if you practice constantly and work hard, you can solve your problems with the aid of magick. It's not the only answer. Hard work and determination on your part is needed as well. You can't expect to earn a million dollars sitting on your bum, you have to be willing to put forth some effort on your part. As Julia Cameron said, "I'm praying to catch the bus but I'm also running my @$$ off too!"

A successful magician/witch/ on..shouldn't be a poor, weak and hated one. A successful magician has the ability to obtain what s/he wants in life. S/He has the knowledge and ability to be what s/he wants. If s/he is poor and hated, then s/he is not doing his/her work correctly or is just beginning to practice.

Yes, I've seen people who are no where near to magick and are still happy, wealthy, healthy and so on. Great, but who's to say they haven't applied the same principles to thier life that magicians do. Afterall, belief is important. If you believe it will happen, then, without a will. Far too many times I've found people who begin to practice ask the question "How do I know it'll work?" Don't worry I've asked that question too. I've worried that some ritual/spell will not be enough to make my problems better. But, after all the turn around I've seen, how can I doubt anymore?

Now, the other misconception I've seen so many times is 'what' to perform. I've seen it in adepts, in authors, in others practitioners and so on. "This type of magick is BETTER than THAT one!" "That spell won't work, it's agey!" "Old magick won't work, it needs to be better adapted for the modern era!" "Wiccan spells won't work..cause I think wiccans are stupid!" "Ceremonial Magick is too stuffy, I get bored halfway through a ritual. It doesn't work!" All of these are the ramblings of people who are either looking to boost their ego or have tried and failed, expecting results within minutes. They are arrogant and blind. Every practice is different for each person. Even CM practitioners work differently from another. Everyone has a different set of rules and practices that each person goes by. One person may not be able to work well nude, but another may feel right at home. As well as another person may not work well going by planetary hours but work better by the phases of the moon alone. Should I tell them they're wrong? What if it works well for them? What if that person is wealthier, healthier, more well liked than I? Do I have any right to tell them what they're doing is wrong?

Hell NO!

The Dalai Lama once said.."If there are 6 billion people in the world, then we should have 6 billion different religions." How true.

I used to listen to people like the above. Constantly worried that what I was doing was wrong. Constantly aware that I was doing something someone would disapprove of. I could hear the disappointed clucking tongues of skeptics and adepts everytime I performed a magickal act. This inhibited me to the point I wouldn't work magick. I became afraid and worried. Then, I got a great word of advice. "[email protected]$& 'EM!" This took a while to sink in and completely take effect, but it did.

This little tid bit of advice was something that changed my life. A good example of this was this last winter. Our neighbors are the managers to our house. Another words, the two and a half feet of lawn that seperates my house from theirs is also their lot as well. They have the ability to snoop on me, spy, and say what they will. Not to mention these people are fundementalist christians who believe EVERY word in the bible to be fact! I can't say anything to these people or else they will evict me. And, if they knew my beliefs, they would either try to convert me or burn me at the stake.


Last winter, they decided to make my driveway into a sledding hill for their children. Did this piss me off? Oh you betcha! But, I didn't say anything. Then, nine oclock at night their 7 year old brat of a son took his sled down the back of my car, putting a huge crack in the windshield. Did I say anything then..not right away. I slept on it. I felt that if I went over right then, I'd strangle I waited. Nine in the morning, I walked over and banged on thier door. I looked that 4 1/2" woman in the eyes and began to tell her how pissed I was...(I'm 5'7" and have dark expressive eyebrows that have a habit of giving off the wrong impression of my disposition..another words, you could TELL I was irate.). Did this solve my problems? No, she walked back into her house and told me that if they plowed our driveway again, we'd have to compensate them!

Now, this is where magick came in. I'm absolutely livid and am thinking about strangling this woman and her son, but I don't say that. I quietly pray to myself that she would open her eyes to what happened. I also wanted an apology.

Later that night, she came over with her son and a nicely written note by him. Stating how sorry he was and how he wouldn't touch my things or my property again. As for her, she apologized as well, obviously feeling guilty.

Yes, it was a small prayer, but in my angered state I had enough emotion to push it through. I find anger to be a great vehicle for magick...that is, if you can control it. I've been so irate at someone and in the heat of my anger I've wished nothing but happiness upon them. I knew better, I also knew that what ever I wanted to happen at that moment would. Not only that, but wishing ill upon them would worsen the matter at hand. In truth, this person is now happier and has made my life much happier as well. This is a hard act to do, specially if you're mad. But, I'm not only a taurean, I'm excesively calm and have a great control of my anger. There have been people who've known me for years and haven't seen me angry. They believe it's because I bottle things up..but truth is, I can control my anger. I have greater uses for it than spouting complaints and irate banting.

Anger, isn't the only thing that works for me, and it necessarially isn't the best. But, it's a tool. You know when you've come far into your magick when you can find anything to be a tool. Emotion works great..thus why we have them. Learn to control them and you can use the influx of energy as a vehicle for any need you want.

Also, what works well is having a clear defined idea of what you want. Having a proper vision of the outcome can help you make it come true. Saying, "I want love" isn't good enough. But saying.."I want the love of a wo/man in a friendship and also a romantic setting. " Works much better. I've talked to people who've asked for something and have gotten what they've asked for, but they aren't happy with it. So I asked..."what is it that you want?" More often than not they give a broad and vague definition. They honestly, don't know what it is they want. They just know they want something along those lines. Thus why visualizing your outcome is great. Take the time to figure out what you want in life and what you don't. When you can make somewhat of a mission statement of your future self that's more indepth than, I want to be happy, you will succeed farther. After all, you may wish for happiness, and get it, but you may only get it for a few minutes..or be completely poor. You have to be able to see yourself in the future. As you go, write them down so that when you do perform magick you have a clear understanding of what it is you want. Be surprised at the results that 5 minutes of contemplating can do!

Well...I guess that's enough for now. I always hate ending these things, I can never figure out a great note to end on. But, my husbands English grandmother had the greatest saying..."TTFN..tata for now." laugh.gif

entry May 24 2006, 12:45 PM
Many of the preconcieved notions that some practitioners have is that we, and we alone practice magick. Generally, the outside public has either no interest or they tend to put it on the pedestal with words like "evil" and "sin". This misconception is something I find very surprising as the years go by.
I have owned and begun 3 different businesses. All of these are side projects in order to earn extra income while I have a main flow of cash that pays the bills. In having businesses, you're drawn out of necessity to read on business, marketing and overall personal development.
Now, going back to my above paragraph. When I talk about this misconception, I'm talking about the practice and procedure of magick in it's application in daily life. Reading various business books, articles and blogs, I've realized that the same 'personal development' practices used in business is the same practices applied in magick.
Steve Pavlina is a multi-millionare business owner. He's one of the leading authors in blogging about personal development. His practices in business are the exect same as those in magick. He talks about the application of belief and faith being essential in becoming successful. Even some of his exercises are comparable to those in spell work and meditation.
His one article, how to earn $10,000 in an hour is not only motivational but very informative. I suggest that if you are serious in business, or even looking to start your own "passion" (as he states) take a look at his site. He talks about how to make $3000 in one month whilst doing nothing. Through the use of advertising on your website and generating more traffic you can turn $25 into $1000 within months.

entry May 22 2006, 05:38 PM
Well, believe me when I say, I've never blogged before. I've always been an incredibly private person. I detested the "girly" conversations between peers and I at school. I was good at bullshitting my way through them without overly offending anyone, but I couldn't ever completely open myself. So this blogging is an incredible step for the hermit, as I have become.

I suppose in the first blog entry I should introduce myself and talk about myself a little. that I've stared blankly at the screen for a few minutes trying to find something worthy of posting I'll admit, I'm usually a person who feels that when saying something it should be valuable. I'm always looking for ways to improve myself. I read at an incredible rate. Anything. Philosophy, psychology, magick, hell..even how to make my own soap from oak ashes and rendered animal fat.

The most I've read at one time happened to be 3 books in one day. I had taken the whole day and devoted it to reading. Clearing one book in time for lunch, another in time for dinner and the other I stayed up late in the night to finish. Like I said. I love to read. And I do it an incredible rate. My great aunt was a lot like me. While her husband was away (he was a navy seal) she would read. Do her chores in the morning and read her book in the afternoon. 5 books a week on average. Her daughter, my cousin, became an author. She writes for the Dragon Lance series ( If you have the time, check her out. Apparently, she's moving from fantasy and planning on writing mystery instead.

I find the knowledge to be of great value. Although, I'm such a passionate person. I may be a person who loves to learn, but I'm an artist first and foremost. The way I interact with the world is through a deep imbeded love that runs through me. I'm sensual.. yes. I've also been subjected to a lot of ugly things in the world, and can still find beauty in it. I'm often surprised when people speak about how terrible the world is. How ugly it's become and evil everything is.

This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. How can you seek to love something without seeing it's good qualities. People seek to purge it of some great evil force that rapes the world, when in all actuallity, it's ignorance and neglect the world has gotten. Yes, I hear it. The "government is evil, they're trying to take our souls away..!!!!"

I agree, our government is run by sniveling childish people, but in no way are they entirely evil. That concept is rediculous. They are misguided, yes. They are truly mean, maybe. But evil? No, I can't say I believe that. I think about the incredible opportunities we have today. How, through countless wars, men fought, died and lived to bring us where we are today. Now, tell me you'd have the balls to look a man who's been there fighting the face of the enemy to give us our freedom that we're punished. You know what he'd say? He'd say, look at the rest of the world, where women are forced to be objects. Where mere people can not vote. Where children die in the streets from malnutrition and neglect and tell me you aren't grateful. He'd also tell you to go back 200 years and tell the average peasant what the future is like. How our streets our paved without the littering of feces and rubish, how healthcare is offered to everyone and isn't built on the backs of arogant theorists, how children are allowed education, how there are laws protecting every man and woman, how there is freedom for everyone, and how the meager peasant can become a rich man. Then tell him it's a terrible life and you wish it was different.

Yes, I actually dislike loud opinionated jerkoffs that only want to find something in the world to protest. The hypocrits who detest the eating of meat and using meat products because of the mistreatment of animals, but make this protest in lambskin coats and 100% leather shoes. I don't respect people like this. They impose their ideas and push you around and back you into a corner with their confusing logic. Asking you questions to make you confused just to have the upper hand. They only seek to get a rise off of you, feeding from your anger.

Here's hypocrosy for you. If the eating of an egg is disgusting because it is the equivalent of someone eating of your fetus, then how come chickens eat there own eggs? Didn't think of did you. I've owned and worked with them. It was common knowledge that if chickens lack calcium, they'll eat their own young.

These protests are built from ignorance. These protests are the rehashed version of someone else's blowhard spats of someone else's rehashed second opinion. It seems nowadays, people don't have their own opinion. They, jump on the bandwagon, so to speak. I've been weak before. I've allowed by opinion to be subjected by others cruel demands. Their views poisoning my own to the point I've been afraid of even thinking for myself. I've broken. I say screw them. I don't care. The one thing I've learned is, if I feel it, it isn't wrong. Truth is, someone else out there feels it too, so in essence I speak for them as well. Valiant? Yes, I guess a little. laugh.gif I've always gotten into scraps for the underdog on the schoolyard. But, I fight for myself first and foremost.


Well, I've been rambling haven't I? I could go on like this. It's purging. So is looking out my window and seeing the sun beating through the tree leaves like pure liquid gold. It's beautiful. It also amazes me that people doubt the existence of god. To me...there's no doubt.


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